The BeeHolder, October 2011

A bee inspector had been seconded to an area where he was not familiar with the location of out-apiaries. He was searching for this particular apiary on foot having left his car in a nearby lane. He suddenly came to a river which appeared to have no means of crossing. Seeing an old beekeeper on the other bank, he called out, 'Hey, how do I get to the other side?' The old fellow looked carefully along the bank to the left, then carefully along the bank to the right, thought a bit, then called back, 'You are on the other side.'

One morning a bee inspector stops at this farm. He rings the doorbell and Mavis, the farmer’s wife, opens the front door. 'Is your husband home, Ma'am?’ he asks politely. 'Aargh, that he is,' answers Mavis, 'He's over int’ apiary near the horses and pigs.' 'Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?”
'Oooo now, I wouldn't think so. Harry will be the one in a beesuit'

Having arrived at his out-apiary, a beekeeper saw a little mouse passing by who had caught a waxmoth. The beekeeper snatched up the mouse and the moth dropped into the long grass. Feeling sorry for the little mouse with no lunch, he poured a little beer down his throat. He put down the mouse went about his beekeeping. A bit later the beekeeper felt a tug on a leg of his beesuit. Looking down, he saw the same mouse with three more moths in his mouth...

A certain beekeeper, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met an equally mean friend at his apiary one morning, and opened the conversation by saying: "Can ye len' us a match, John?" John having supplied him with the match, the first man began to look in his toolbox ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem to have left my smoker fuel at hame." John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand, remarked: "Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then."

The dentist’s receptionist kept his diary of appointments. The dentist did not work at the weekends as that was the time he tended his bees. Looking at his August appointments he noticed that one weekend had the word “TOOTHACHE” written across both days. He queried this with his receptionist. She replied, “It’s quite simple really. Toothache – time for extraction!”

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." "No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

The beekeeping supply shop sold Varroa sticky sheet by the yard in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some sticky sheet for me?"
Assistant: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Thissors?"

What do you do with a swarm if bees in your bed? Sleep somewhere else!

Reproduced from “The Eke” courtesy of eBees